今天在寫方法論
不知道為什麼會變成可憐心酸的田野經歷
而且愈寫愈委屈
哈哈
但太搧情跟瑣碎了
所以到最後應該都會刪掉
為了不想讓這一段辛酸故事埋沒
就PO在這裡好了
英文文法有錯大家就不要太在意
而且我賭啊
應該不會有很多人細看
只是PO爽的
覺得之後刪掉不見天日有點可惜 哈哈
不過還沒寫完就是
......................................................
It is like being under a process of ‘re-socialization’ with a strong consciousness. I can clearly feel my whole self has gradually been de-structured and re-socialized. Here, I need to learn as soon as possible about how people behave, what people do and not do, and what people say and not say. I have learned to observe as many as I can the rules in this community, stick them in my mind and make my behaviours follow these rules. Actually, this process happened to me spontaneously. The main purpose is trying not to make myself be 'different'. For me, it comes as a necessary way to ‘survive’ in this place – to make sure I will not break any rule and put myself on trouble. Thus, I would say, in order to survive, I have to push myself to fit into this community, though no matter how hard I do, I think I can only touch the ‘very edgy’ of the boundary of this community. So far, I have been trying to pre-think as much as I can before I say something out or do something. It is hard, but necessary. I may have no idea about what is right and wrong according to this community in the very beginning. However, I have been using the guessing by myself and trying to open my eyes and ears ‘as big as possible’!!! When I found it is wrong if I did something in this way, I would remember it immediately, and try not to make the same mistake again. It is not easy. Sometimes I felt I am living a life with so many limitations in Dolanji. However, I know, I feel it is difficult and there are so many rules and limitations because I was not born in this community and grew up here. So far, I found one part of my self has been consciously (subconsciously as well) socialized by this community. Through the process of forcing myself to learn, to remember and to follow the rules, I have been more aware of the rules or customs of this community than those who were born or grew up in this place. In other words, as an outsider coming to setting in, I was pushed by self-consciousness to learn as much as I can the rules of this community in a short time, whereas the people from this place have learned the rules in a subconscious way.
From my experience, this may be why the anthropologists are easier to analyze the social rules in an alien society. Because when they carry out the filedwork in an alien community, they are forced to be aware of the principles of people’s behaviour, the way people communicate, and the way people interact with each other. Many of these things you can not get by asking the people directly. For the people who were born and grew up here, they may have no idea about certain rules relating to the ways they communicate and behave. However, when people don’t mention it, it does not mean that the researcher can easily choose not to know. In many cases, if you don’t find the rules by yourself as soon as possible, you may put yourself on trouble or in danger. It is quite different from the case in which you, as a tourist, can choose to ignore the local rules to certain extent. For the anthropological researchers, the filed site is a place where they would stay for long time – a place which they should actually ‘live’ in. Thus, from my perspective, to make myself set in the field community, and to learn how to quickly catch on what people say and act is very necessary, not only for the data collection itself, but more crucially, for my surviving. – Fieldnote 16/06/2007This is from my fieldnote in my fifth month of the fieldwork. At that time, I was struggling with an officially recognized access to the Dolanji local village from the Indian Government.
Before I got the trouble on the official permit to the village where the laity live, I was just getting into the stage at which I started to feel more confidence on the progress of my fieldwork – I knew more and more people in this place, I used more Tibetan sentences in my daily conversation, even in some simple sentences, and I felt I had been getting more information and new ideas on what and how I am going to do.
However, one day I was suddenly told that I cannot go into villagers’ houses anymore without an official permit from the Indian Government. It is a long story. Actually, I did apply the permit in Taiwan before I left for India for fieldwork. On the application form, it says that it may take two to three months. However, the reason that I didn’t care about this permit so much is that in the beginning when I came to Dolanji, no body told me that I cannot go down to the village. Some people did mention that The Indian Government doesn’t allow foreigners to enter the local village unless you get an official permit called PAP (Protective Area Permit). However, at the same time, they told me that the law is applied stricter in South India than here. They said, no body would care about if you have this permit or not in Dolanji and no body will check it. As they mentioned, I don’t need to worry about this. Also, some people even told me that ‘you look just like a Tibetan, no problem’. This is why in the beginning of my stay in Dolanji, even though I was still waiting for the permit which I applied before, I did not really care about when I will get it.
However, after I was told in June that I cannot enter the village houses (even to go around and speak to the local people are not allowed), I started to get worried that how I can keep doing my fieldwork in this place without the permit. I phoned the institution where I applied, and got an answer that because they thought I can apply the permit directly through the settlement office where I planned to stay, they didn’t think it is necessary for them to send my application form to the Dalai Lama’s Office in Delhi. However, nobody told me this. Thus, what I can only do at that time was to apply again through the Dolanji settlement office. Also, that means I should wait for another two or three months to get this permit.
Anyway, I went to the settlement office and asked about the procedure of application. The settlement officer told me that nobody applied the permit for this settlement before. I was the first one. He kindly helped me look through the procedure of the application and send my application form to Delhi. After that, it seemed that I had nothing to do but wait.
However, can I still do something in Dolanji without being against this rule?This is the question I had asked myself hundred times after I re-applied PAP. It was at that moment that I started to realize how one person’s mood can easily change his/her sense of like-ness or dislike-ness to one place. I felt that one moment before I still loved this place and the people here so much. However, at this moment, to be honest, I hated this place – I didn’t feel this place is as nice and friendly as I thought anymore. I wanted to get out here as soon as possible. I felt I was put in an unseen prison. From that time, I seldom went down to the village, even to the BCH. I was so afraid to go down to the village, even though some people kept saying to me it would be fine because I look just like a Tibetan. However, I was afraid that I would be warmed again and kicked out. Thus, I stayed in the guesthouse almost all the time, and sometimes went up to the monastery library. From the outside, I tried to make myself look normal. When the guests in the guesthouse asked what I was doing whole day, I told them I was writing my fieldnotes and typing some interview records. I also felt that no one can be trusted, especially the foreigners in the guesthouse. I was afraid that they don’t really understand the rules here, thus they may talk too much and bring me more troubles. It was not until that moment that I felt I was so ‘isolated’ for the first time in my life.
However, the lucky thing is that sometimes I can still talk to the lay people when I ran into them on the road. Also, in the monastery library, the 7-days summer camp for the Bonpo students who study outside and came back for summer holiday started. Thus, I thought even though I cannot go down to the village, I can still participate in the summer camp held by the monastery. This camp provided me a very good opportunity to understand how the monks in the monastery explained ‘the knowledge of Bon’ to the young generation. Another lucky thing was that the founder of the Dolanji settlement - Tenzin Namdak Rinpoche – came from Nepal to Dolanji to visit for 4 or 5 days in July 2007. Many lay people and the children of the BCH came up to the monastery for special ceremonies. So, I still got something to observe and the opportunity to participate in the activities with the laity.
However, during that time (from mid June to the end of July), inside my heart, this place had turned from a friendly place to a ‘cold’ and ‘scared’ place. I didn’t feel I was comfortable in this place anymore. On the other hand, I felt some foreigners in the guesthouse may try to spy on me and see if I go down to the village or not. It was a very hard time. I started to learn to protect myself from troubles by saying that ‘I am just learning Tibetan and the knowledge of Bon here’ to the foreign guests. I started to learn to tell different ‘answers’ on what I was doing and when I just went to different people. It was the first time in my life I felt so exhausted on ‘daily communication’. I was so confused at that time (to be continued)...
